realization

hmm..just realized my last few entries seems to be latched onto school and ong lai,which is assocaited with school. well, anyhow, yet another academic entry then. surprise! ong lai ahsnt replied. this time i shot my guns at her,as i realized the 'humble' approach wasnt effective. she just felt i was weaker,and overrode whatever i mentioned. affecting me so much. my fault i screwed up my results,i know that for a fact, but be merciful lar,bitch. sheesh. anyhow...signed up for my IS modules today. maybe i should have piked starting a business, but heck lar, at least the principles of management thingy, has ben n ching inside,familiar faces, i would die if im left in a class of strange morons,at least familiar idiots would be a comfort. yeps, and picked exploring contemporary issues. coz i havent a clue wad it's about, but seems fairly simple. talking. my forte. yeps. looks like some discussion of sorts, oh well, just gonna work super hard this time. hoping i really get to do my fish this term too! i can handle 5 modules!!! give it to me!! i will study!! promise! i just havent studied studied since...primary school? last minuting gets me somewhere,so why put in more effort? anyhow...promise to study...promising myself. trying to convince myself. failing.damn. no!!!!! study!!!! should i start revising ipc now? omg...yes...maybe i should..urgh..but i hate it. no choice. school. such a burden. science,not my thang. ambition,veered to science. understand my plight? gaaahhh. retardation.

oh, im angry with you. you know who you are. (no pple,it's not some estranged lover,coz i aint got one!) yea, asking me stupid questions,thought-provoking,but its only provoked me to retaliate. so im different from the rest of you. what do u expect?a clone army? then what would this world be. i know it's been abt 2 days since that barrage of msgs, but it's still floating in my head. actually, its banging against the walls of my skull,so much so,it hurts. why do u have to target me?am i some sort of experiment?like,you and a panel of doctors are analyzing my every thought/speech/gesture. it annoys me. just becoz i gave u the brute honest truth,doesnt make me the enemy sent from satan.yes, this is a god related thing,dont deny. hypocrites. most church-going pple,especially the really pious ones, are the biggest hypocrites of them all. and you think u can psycho me into condoning to ur whims,well, think again! im not one whose spine you can bend,coz i am my own person. u bend to me,not i to you,i dont care how old you are. hate is too strong a word to use, but i feel it's the only one available to me at the moment. running away from god? and u blame me for giving lame excuses? wad kind of qs/excuse is that for a person living in her own world of opinion on the subject? i guess ur not going about this person correctly..all your years of analysing and facilitating pple have come to a standstill,and im happy to be the one responsible for it. am i ranting? i dont care. im too blinded by tt burning anger inside of me. as i mentioned,no one can force me to do anything i dont wanna do,that includes you. and any goddamn cow from our blasted church. you all can have your fun and games,your praise and worship,which btw, did i mention how much i hate tt?,but i still let you all do it am i right?i dont stop u all from praying n singing wadever hymn-nonsense, just,i dont want to be a part of it. so elave me be. i like to take things one step at a time,even if it's just half a step.urgh. u disgust me.