skeptical of my return?

wow. it's been ages since i updated, huh? hehehehehe. first would like to say how nice it was to see almsot everyone the day after my birthday. yes, after. i truly believed that half of you forgot about it. but im so whoop-dee-dah elated with dinner the day after. thanks for the pressies. the menu card was excellente. thanks so much my lovely ladies. miss you all and love you too. i was truly surprised, and also happy that i wasnt decked out in shorts, it would be an extreme oddity. ahaha.

wanna know a little secret though? i dont , in the least bit feel like im nineteen. not at all. in fact, i feel as though hmm...maybe im 17 all over again. will explain why later. as for now.....

how've i been? all that mish-mash about me leaving ngee ann has now been abolished. though the thought of quitting is still on my mind, i'm gonna give it a second chance. i think i'm an easily swayed person, when it comes to having talks to full grown adults. yeps. we're animals too right? so using 'fully-grown' is a compliment. they do make sense in a wonky sort of way. i've travelled down this arduous path for two long years, and to just trash it all by signing a piece of paper would be an extremely foolish move. right? i dont know. i admit im an indecisive person. and not very wise either. but i guess we all have our flaws. some more than others. but my unconvincingly firm (ignore the irony) final decision is to stay on, at least till common tests, if i score unfathomably badly, then too bad lar. shall leave once and for all. but if success is granted, then, leap for joy and sit through to the end.

this week i've been with three different year 2 classes for practicals. what i cant understand is, why put me with three diff classes? why cant they let me familiarize with just one class? i suffering so much. i think by the end of the semester i wld be a social recluse. it's kinda disheartening to fail three modules in a row, but to make matters worse, to be in unfamiliar territory, whereby all the people are well, we dont share the same interests, and i sorta suffer from critical language barriers with some of them. i mean, who in holy fuck hell uses chinese to discuss scientific instruments and the works? i mean, what the fuck *do the italian WTF action*. it's jsut, i felt so awkward, it's not like im just gonna be cruising through one repeaed module, whereby i dont need to put any effort into socialising with these aliens, as i would only be joining them for a harmless 3 hours. but now? this reeks. i jsut feel so out of place, confined in this box all on my own. and after all these practicals with tthe various weirdos, i feel like sealing it shut, and paying an ex-con to just shove it off a cliff. someone save me from this newfound loneliness. now i truly know how a retainee feels like, why they seem unmotivated to continue down whatever path they had chosen in the beginning. such an unsettling feeling. ok, if you've never had to retake more than two modules at once, than you wont understand how im feeling. ever. no, im not trying to be one of those over-emo angst-ridden teens who feel that no one in this life or the next would ever comprehend their actions, but well, you get my gist.

ok, shall try my best, but the same tune always plays up - i would slip back into slacker mode. oh well, time for change, i hope this time, it' s not an empty promise.