left

anne and nic left today. technically yesterday, but yea. really hope they tae care of one another there. yes, their moms were like super worried about them, rattling on abt what they shldnt do, how they shld take care of their belongings, esp the moolah and passports. cute though. pretty funny. oh well, we took the usual grp pictures, and as usual, we werent prepared for quite a number, and had the usual problems of posing for the wrong camera, etc.. but i like it that way. i think it's funny when we take candid shots, i think it's individualism to see us scrunge our faces into twisted frustration that the photographers captured us at such moments of unpreparedness. but that's jsut my friends and i. ok at this moment i think their halfway to frankfurt. omg! i forgot to mention, their bags weigh a ton. so much so that nicole cant bend down when she's carrying her backpack, coz she's likely to fall flat on her face. heh. and joanne's mom laughed at the fact that nic packed a hairdryer into her bag. aahhahaha. okok. enough abt tt.oooh...one more thing, had delish ice-cream from swensens with dia,jo,bernard and yangyi. wheeeeee. had coit tower.yummmy. havent eaten dine-in ice cream in ages.

ok. had a loooooong bus ride home by myself, with the few other strangers that boarded as well of course. and suddenly, i thought i had gone mad. or maybe it because i havent been good or smthg. you know how santa knows if you've been naughty or nice, ad well, santa is a saint, so yea, kinda like god knows it too, so they share their info. anyhow, thought abt my faith. you know, i used to think being born into a religion was a burden. but sometimes, i think having faith in a god is pretty life affirming. so i thought to myself, what happened to me? ok, im not the kind of church-goer who enjoys singing along to hymns, clapping my hands in tune with an upbeat song, or jsut hanging out with church pple 24/7. in fact, i think i hate more pple in church than i do outside. jsut coz their annoying, and that their lives revolve around this house of god. ok, dont think im blaspheming god or whatever, i jsut want to get the point across. i dont hate god. bt i think i hate myself at times, and ive no one to blame but myself, but being human, i tend to blame the deity instead. oh well. i guess i need smthg or someone to re-affirm my faith in god. i dont know. i feel that sudden urge to go to church for no reason at all. ascension day is on thursday. obligatory. i shall go. i havent attended for the past three years. yes, since sec4. im positively evil. the irony.

ok, maybe im all churchey rants and raves now, but in hte bus earlier, i had these blasted hymns in my head. and these are th exact ones that i always refuse to sing during camps.yes, i was a facilitator,why was?i dont know, i just didnt feel the need to participate in anymore church camps, i feel, disconnected, hypocritical if i go to these camps and try to persuade the youths to be holier, closer to god,etc, if i myself dont have an inkling of appreciation for him. yes u may say, but why did you go last time then? coz ifeel i was searching for myself, as a person, and inhelping others with their faith, mine wld improve along the way. but soon, it faltered, i was just disinterested. i had radical ideas, and i felt i didnt really click faith-wise with most of the pple there. they were so 'deep' with god and his works, whilst all i knew were the 10 commandments, and i swear i think ive broken more than half of it. not all of course, coz i havent had a chance to commit adultery,not tt i want to!!! ok, back to me. oh im so self-absorbed. i feeel a neeed to find god within myself once again. maybe it's time i have some real 'me' time. but im always around pple, i cant really have some quiet time to myself. at home its always a warzone, idont have a chance to say my two cents worth, hence, having no opportunity to tell the PUs[parental units, lar] my future education plans,and my current progress report.

so you see, i digress once again. i always do. so u seee, all these silly church songs played in my head, and i had a sudden urge to sing them, aloud - in the bus!!! with strangers arnd!!! the insanity. i wld rather sing a britney spears number than a church song. and this one in particular "come away". come away with you, to where god? tell me. i wanna know. "spirit wings" too, though "come away" was stronger. am i hearing things? i cant rmb the whole come away song, i can vaguely rmb the spirit wings one. but why these being free kinda songs? does it really mean smthg?or i am over-analysing this? have i gone totally wonky? perhaps so. if i become more prayerful, wld it help ease my dilemmas? please god, send a sign, a person, an object, anything to show that you';ve heard my pleas every night. every night i pray, pray not for an easier life, not for a solution to my problems, but pray for help. maybe a word of advice. yes, just one word wld do. one word would satisfy my hungry soul. just one. ok,let me leave with what i rmb of the song. it's still playing somewhere in the back of my mind, i hear it faintly.

come away, come awaaaaa-ay
come and spend some time with me
come away
let your heart and mind be still
let your empty cup be filled
come and spend some time with me
come away