royally fucked

better than me. those words have been on replay wherever i go to now. their all like broken records set on tormenting me. you know, i really am glad that he did better than i did in this life-changing examination. but still, it pains me to hear them comparing me, who did it over four years ago to someone who did it just a few months ago. it isn't fair to me. to be compared as though im merely an object on display, for them to mock and ridicule, for them to make tsk-tsk sounds and shake their heads with disapproval. for them to point and reprimand. for them to hurl physical and verbal abuse at. it's funny how i've become even more submissive in the domestic environment. it's senseless notifying other people of household violence like this, but seriously, the circumstance was uncalled for, it is highly retarded to be doling out corporal punishment on a twenty year old. it's fucked up i tell you. but what can i do? whether i fight back, or stay silent, im still on the losing end. the loser. i think this year is going extremely badly for me. and it's only the beginning. my fyp is not coming through as smoothly as planned, the mentor cant confirm what he wants, or doesnt want. so im left hanging. and now my parents are driving me insane. my brother is driving me insane. there's so much more to say but im rendered speechless. im looking at all my fiction/reviews/poetry from yester-year, it reflected a totally different person then, in comparison to what i am now. maybe it comes with age, or maybe it comes with encounters. well, the me right now sucks. i cant write a decent sentence without including a dozen grammatical, and even *gasp* spelling errors. vocabulary has been narrowed down to a list of mostly vulgarities and simplistic words. imagination has been thrown to the gutter, the only things i imagine are frames of me in future situations. me with a successful career. me without a career. me with an expensive car. me walking on a dusty street. me donating a lump sum to charity. me asking for food from a soup kitchen. me shopping in the posh boutiques. me running a stall at the pasar malam.

sometimes i wonder if life would get better. i hope it would soon.