pain and suffering reaps no reward

"happiness recedes from those who seek her"
tell me, what is so difficult in trying to find a little happiness in this short lifetime of ours? seriously think im suffering from this syndrome. my joys are all slowly slipping away. and i have no outlet, no form of release. i really do try to make the best out of my current situation, but i really dont know where to start cleaning up this mess. how can someone say that suffering will only lead us to some form of enlighten or something good to look forward to in the end? i dont see a point in exercising this self-tormentation any longer. my mind has been fending off some unknown entity within, causing such a stir, that i wish to silence them both.

anxiety lies within every man. it's my annual pre-result jitters. only this time, it's do or die - for real. and i have kinda lost all hope to regain entry into the school. it's just not for me. at all. thoughts of sending out emails to my lecturers have crossed my mind a million times today, to stoop so low as to beg/bribe them to let me stay on, despite my failing overall aggregate. but when it boils down to typing it out, it seems so wrong. why fight so hard to stay in something i fail to succeed in, and find totally burdensome?

it was the day one of my iap-fyp. and i think im a flop. majorly. everyone in the lab were socially ok, but on an intellectual level, i was way below average. as the guy explained the basic elements of the entire experiment, it was as though he threw me a conundrum and left me in the desert to die. i had no clue what linearized plasmids were, i had no clue of the process of pcr, i had no idea what sequencing was about. i think i landed myself into some pretty hot knee-deep soup. so fuck me now please. i deeply regret this decision. time can never be rewound, of that im sure, but oh how i wish it could be fast-forward to next year. where i would be happy, holding a diploma, like the rest of the normal poly students, to have finally achieved something higher than an o-level cert. but i cant. i can feel that uncertain throbbing in my heart, that im gonna get booted. call me paranoid, but i know when im going to fail, havent i guessed it correctly one time too many? predicting the outcome of two weeks study effort is no biggy, but trying to predict where i move on to next is killing me. im not that psychic.

it's not helping when your own intellect is turning against you, but when your own family is being hostile towards you for reasons unbeknown, it can get tiresome. if only i could just stayover somewhere for jsut one night. but i cant. reason being i've never really stayed over in anyone's house before. never atteneded a slumber party, never been allowed to sleep over just for fun. it's killing me, this strangling. i can cry and cry and yet no one seems to care, and even if someone does, i dont want them to. because no one knows what it's really like staying in this unhappy home. full of pretense. ive learnt that when your parents nag you, dont retaliate. but evidently, that doesnt work now. now im in a total no win situation. i didnt retaliate, didnt lash back at them, and i got a scolding for having no reaction to their reprimands. reprimands for what? for not doing anything. and this was the day after my exams. how nice. i realize that my parents may buy me more material items than my brother, but that's because i bother to ask them for it, while he just keeps quiet about it. but material items arent good enough. i want to be shown alittle respect. my brother has garnered that easily ever since his surprisingly good results. my sister is their angel, so there's no comparing to that. hah. im so sore with jealousy. because im like that. i just love whining about the unfairness in my life.

talking about luck, i had none today. firstly, after my shower in the wee hours of the morning, i had a searing pain in my ovarian region. really. fucking pain. i cldnt stand. i thought i was dying. ok, after awhile my dad found me some panadol substitute(as luck would hvae it, we didnt have a single panadol at home, for anything), and lo and behold, no pill cutter. so i had to resort to dangerously chopping it with a knife. the only good thing of the day was arriving in time to catch the 105. when we did(trina and i), it happened to be an extremely snail-slow driver. we were late. reaching buona vista. not a cab in sight,whe ntrina mentioned they were usually in abundance. the next bus took forever to come. next i arrived at the lab, not knowing ahything. i didnt understand the sciencey stuff. i took the wrong staircase down when it was headhome time, and had to walk back up again to take the lift. i squatted in a seedy concrete corner of the carpark to smoke, and realized it was infested with red ants. going home, the bus didnt come till i decided to sit down. the 2nd bus took forever to come. whatever. i cant recount my dozens of unfortunate incidents.