inspiration.motivation.distraction.

what ever happened to _____

i was busy searching for the past semester's worth of lecture notes, when i chanced upon some of my old stories and poetry. ahahhaa. what the hell, i suddenly find all these vintage stuff when exams are around the corner. shows how much i really do clear my room - never! anyhoo, i feel kinda sad that my adolescent/pre-pubescent literary works seemed so interesting, i cant even think of a better word for interesting, in comparison to the crap that im NOT writing at all thesedays. yea, i havent written in ages. i feel so stagnant. i dont know what to write about. my imagination has run out of steam. maybe after exams i'll do smthg for myself. exams. help me pls. hah. i have nothing else to say about my mundane life. here's a breakdown of after school alone:

5pm - reach home from school
6pm - started downloading brokeback mountain part II
7pm - why no dinner yet? im starving!
8pm - thank god for sushi.
9pm - the fucking gay cowboys are still at it!!!! downloading i mean.
10pm - oh look, their showing 'raising helen' on star movies again
11pm - should i go online?
12am - oh look, adelyn's bday is over! shit, did i rmb to wish her? happy bday kwan!
1am - stop telling me to go to bed, mom.
2am - im starting to get bored with myself
230am - im here typing a redundant blog entry, just for the hell of it, and to irritate others.

so there's my life at home. for today. im a boring old fogey.

***i hate it when pple list out what they did for the day. drawing timelines of their daily life. ahhahahaa. i also love the irony i create for myself.

take a look at this!!!!

omg!!!! someone please laugh with me nnow. i jsut found these while looking for smthg else, and i cldnt resist it. hahahaa. check out the high socks!!!! what were we thinking? anyhow, i think this is all from sec2 teachers' day. coz of the pck reenactments and the blue netwire cloth on dia's head. oooh, and thelittle balloon tube man. ahhahaha. too bad i dont own any pics from the beauty world performance. hahaha. tt one wld have been nice. shits. im sorry. but are you all looking at this? we look so different!!!! i guess we've all grown up alot. and grown out of things too. ahahhaa. i wld never be caught dead acting as ahma ever again in my entire life. no way. and high socks. big nono. no no never ever. i rmb cutting out sch socks jsut so we cld make them longer to have them high. not as high as the ah lians, but high enough to break the rules. and then the lows came into popularity, and soon we had 'no' socks. lol. i promise not to put up any pics of us like this ever again. if someone can promise me the beauty world pics. ahhahaha. okok, happy vday to all. i wld love to report on how unsatisfactory vday is and about the commercial benefits of it, as well asthe cliche love of it. ahaha. but i shant.

royally fucked

better than me. those words have been on replay wherever i go to now. their all like broken records set on tormenting me. you know, i really am glad that he did better than i did in this life-changing examination. but still, it pains me to hear them comparing me, who did it over four years ago to someone who did it just a few months ago. it isn't fair to me. to be compared as though im merely an object on display, for them to mock and ridicule, for them to make tsk-tsk sounds and shake their heads with disapproval. for them to point and reprimand. for them to hurl physical and verbal abuse at. it's funny how i've become even more submissive in the domestic environment. it's senseless notifying other people of household violence like this, but seriously, the circumstance was uncalled for, it is highly retarded to be doling out corporal punishment on a twenty year old. it's fucked up i tell you. but what can i do? whether i fight back, or stay silent, im still on the losing end. the loser. i think this year is going extremely badly for me. and it's only the beginning. my fyp is not coming through as smoothly as planned, the mentor cant confirm what he wants, or doesnt want. so im left hanging. and now my parents are driving me insane. my brother is driving me insane. there's so much more to say but im rendered speechless. im looking at all my fiction/reviews/poetry from yester-year, it reflected a totally different person then, in comparison to what i am now. maybe it comes with age, or maybe it comes with encounters. well, the me right now sucks. i cant write a decent sentence without including a dozen grammatical, and even *gasp* spelling errors. vocabulary has been narrowed down to a list of mostly vulgarities and simplistic words. imagination has been thrown to the gutter, the only things i imagine are frames of me in future situations. me with a successful career. me without a career. me with an expensive car. me walking on a dusty street. me donating a lump sum to charity. me asking for food from a soup kitchen. me shopping in the posh boutiques. me running a stall at the pasar malam.

sometimes i wonder if life would get better. i hope it would soon.

dropped

i was writing an extremely nasty view on the show nine lives, which i now find redundant to talk about. im too lazy to list down unhappiness with a tv show, when it's the unhappiness in life that is bothering me more. the exams are looming overhead once again. the same exams. i've taken them all before. i should be able to spot the questions by now, but i cant. i dont know what im studying. to make matters worse, the interview at nus today was, kinda disastrous. well, it doesnt sound as bad as it seemed. but they guy only wants one. or none. he doesnt have sufficient funding for us both. and im up against a smart-assed guy. im no match. he knew what the gibberish he was spouting actually meant, while the minimal asswipe comments i gave seemed feeble.whatever it is, i need a project n iap now, i dont wanna stay back an additional year jsut to live through some other person's mistake.

life is a dark cloud hanging over my head.

what is the word for unfortunate serendipity?

i forgot i had a blog. seriously. i think much has happened since the one eyed cat. chinese new year was not exactly a blast. when your family is in a semi-feud kinda thing, it means u collect less money, visit less houses, and jsut plain feel the intensity in the air. much has happened in such a short span of time that i feel that listing them all down here seems redundant. but i will anyway, or at least as far back as i can remember.

seeing my grandparents(maternal) over chinese new year has made me realize that no one's getting any younger. a few eyars back they had downsized themsleves into a one room flat as the location would be closer to most of their children, instead of living alone in telok blangah. yes, i am feeling a little guilty for not following my mom and siblings to go and visit them often, but it's not like i have a choice. i go out, i have schoolwork, and a thousand other excuses i can think up impromptuly. their wrinkled, feeble, she can't walk without aid from a walker, he can hardly feed himself. they quarrel as though they are both 5 and get jealous over simple things. it's insane seeing people u once revered so incapacitated. some of the relatives aren't giving them long to live. imean, being realistic here, unhealthy 89 and 87 year olds aren't exactly a picture of vibrancy, but to just pigeon hole them into target group for death is plain evil. though he has been telling my mom that his time is up. it's soon to end. i think they just wanna leave all their pain n suffering behind them. there are better places than earth you know. im not wishing death upon them either, but to see two people, who slogged and slaved for their children, only to find out that out of thirteen, only a handful are faithful, are grateful of them, is heartbreaking. sometimes i wish i would psend more time with them. but i have nothing to say. i dont know what to say. she gets more and more deaf day by day, and he is just losing touch with his motor skills. what's worse is that their minds are perfect, well almost, they can converse om current affairs, on food recipes, on basically anything that piques their interest, but physically, their slowing down. their slowing down at a rapid rate, if you get what i mean.

did i mention anything about money i collected this year? no? well, it's not a great improvement from last year, but decidedly more than expected. ever since the huge recession some five eyars ago, angpow money has been falling in digits drastically. if i could draw a chart, u can actually see the line falling steadily, in fact spiralling downwards - continuously. but this year it made a dive upwards, as people have begun to see that there is such a thing as twenty dollar angpows. just put two of those glorious red notes in, and voila! you can make a kid happy.

happy belated birthday alvin! we still owe you a present! but i cant afford to buy u a camera despite my good haul this chinese new year. ahhaa. and im still contemplating if i should upload pictures of the night, as well, everyone knows i was more than a little tipsy. the things i said and did dont mean a thing to me, ok??? dont go posting my crazy declarations everywhere, mr lee. anyhow, i think everyone had a right enjoyable time, didnt we? told you cocolatte would suck alvin, they totally played you out! hah! next birthday from B4 would be mine! where to next? zouk again? you decide, please dial 1800-party-at-where and vote now! please excuse my lameness, it is still the festive period.

im keeping too many secrets. dont get me wrong, i dont have many secrets of my own to hide, but just like to say that keeping secretss can be pretty burdensome. in fact, im mentally exhausted from being silent. if you think i'm talking about you, or you, or you or even you - think again. im not pinpointing anyone in particular. it's more like a collective group of people really. funny thing is, none of them know about the other. why should they? when their situations totally do not coincide with one another? am i spouting rubbish again? i think i may be. alas, gossip is my fuel for life. and i have been short on that for awhile. so long.