smell of scrubs and fear

Hospitals smell of death. They do. I’ve mentioned this before, I think. Bt today it was different. I felt fear. There was an old, as in really ancient looking lady bound to a mobile hospital bed. Literally tied down to it. She looked s frail and helpless, whilst the nurse cooed lovingly to her. I sat next to them, while awaiting my own doctor’s appointment.

And got the fright of my life.

The old lady suddenly jostled around in her bed, all her limbs kept stiffening, in an attempt to break free from her cushion prison. She began to speak in a gruff, sort of raspy voice, an it didn’t sound human. I don’t know what to make of this. On one hand, it might be the desperate plea of help, wanting to be free of her eternal suffering. Or, it may be a cry for another kind of help. I don’t know about all of you, but to me, she seemed a little possessed.

Yes, I’m not denying the fact that I believe in creatures from the nether world. Because, in reality they do exist, and in this case, seeing may not necessarily be the best way to convince a person to believe. Anyhow, I felt a pang of pity for the old sod. Seriously. Her legs would suddenly be up in the air, as though something was suing her as a puppet. Her muscles were all taut, though the nurse kept throwing a blanket over her, she manage to kick it off, and she even managed to use her head to fling the pillow on the floor several times.

Being typically Singaporean, everyone just stared in awe, as though the nurse and the old lady were a movie clip or something along those lines. Sitting next to them, I tried my best to keep my focus on my storybook. After awhile, she seemed to calm down again, so I took a sneak peek at the patient. Oh my, she looked really weak, and I don’t know, I just don’t wanna end up like her.

Alone and going crazy in a hospital, with only strangers to care for her.

I don’t wanna be like that.

But it scares me, since I think I’m having a wave of relapse. Relapsing of what you may ask? In case some of you don’t know, yes especially to alert Alvin and ben that I do not have some cheebye yeast infection, or breast cancer!!! Just because us girls go for check-ups doesn’t mean we’re going for mammograms!!! I’ve never even been for one before! Anyhow, shan’t digress, can go on forever. My knees have began to hurt again, so ben ho!!! stop hitting them, coz they really hurt. And I’ll fucking kick u in the balls. Ok. Shan’t say anything more about myself.

At the hospital, there was also another elderly woman, think not as ancient as the first, but she looked like a French bulldog. Really!!! So cute, her cheeks were little droopy, and she ha the enthusiasm of a puppy, despite sitting in a wheelchair.

But looking at all the people around me in that vicinity, I feel sad. I don’t wanna live to a ripe old age. What’s the point? When the only benefit you get is to experience a little more than your dead peers. With what I’m suffering from, things would not be as sweet as it is for me now. In fact, down the road, it may get worse. Hopefully they don’t. it’s just stupid how one person can be cured of asthma, but come down with an illness like this. Absolutely stupid. And this thing changed my life. I’m so upset with it. If not for this incurable thing, I wouldn’t be where and what I am today. I would still be at those jazz and ballet dance lessons. I would be at such an incredibly high grade, I wouldn’t need to study. Now all I can do is gyrate. Hah. Oh well, life is never sweet for long. We need a dash of bitter from time to time. I’m so tired now. Lethargy kills me. Gotta go try banging down some pedestrians again. Yay.

secrets

it's funny how u discover someone's secret only after that period is over. get what i mean? well nvm. jsut thinking back to a few nights ago. when someone i thought i knew real well told me a shocking revelation. oh well. so many years now, and i realize i dont know her at all. quite sad. how things change. we all hold secrets within ourselves, guarded fiercely by our own hearts. oh well. we're all growing up, some faster than others, but heck. i jsut wanna retain that same friendship we had once a long time ago. i doubt things wld go back to normal, but we can try right? or has too much happened or changed since we all left sec school? i have nothing else to say except hat i hate the maths teacher now. she can go fuck herself and die. this is not a secret. it's a statement.

there's always a first time....

so life has been pretty bleak. it has!!!ok, not really. anyhow, my cousin has made me godma to his child. so yea. thing is, the baby is like 3 months old now, and i've never carried him before until today. i always slink away whenever anyone suggests that i carry him. to be honest, i've never carried a baby under 1 year before. not even my own siblings. i dont know. i hate kids. babies. toddlers. all that fall in the below 10 category. ok, maybe below 7. that's not the point. thing is, i was so skeptical about carrying him, but my cousin insisted. this time i cldnt escape. so sitting down stiffly, they placed nicholas against my arm, like u know, so i ended up carrying this little baby,that had difficulty sitting up on its own. he was heavy. he looked at me inquisitively, wondering who i was, what i am. i wondered the same things about him. babies dont fascinate me the way they do others. nor do i find them and their ways amusing. but, well, maybe he's my godson and all, but i suddenly understood what all the hype was about. he just looked at the greenhorn me, and knew that i wa uncomfortable holding him,but he didnt struggle. he sat still, not squirming at all. and stared at me. he's chubby tiny fingers clung onto the cloth draped around him, before moving on to gripping my finger. it was so incredible. guess never really had the 'baby' experience. i hate them what. well, after this enlightening experience, i may have changed my views on babies, but i still dont want any of my own.

below's a pic of baby nicholas. he's about barely a month old in it.


my godson, baby nicholas!!! i'm a godma!!!
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my bitch and i
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hey-ho to all of you!!!it's so freaking early, and i've been up since abt 8am yesterday till now. nearly 24hrs. insomnia. not really, but im gonna burn my days away. havent done maths tutotrial. havent revised for maths retest. my main concern.

oh, posted the photo coz i was so proud of making a new discovery!!! webcams are capable of capturing still shots!!! i didnt know that!!! ok, call me lame or whatever, but to me it's amazing. so i just had to show off my effort. haha. guess waD? great, i cant rmb what i wanted to type. guess my brain is zonked. nvm, be happy with my face over here!!! ain' that a beaute? ahaha, stupid jo imitating crocodile hunter has rubbed off on me now.

ouch! my throat is so darn sore. my voice is not husky, but it's the kind of sore throat that feels like a razor blade is stuck down ur throat. ouch ouch. painful. i had trouble downing a sandwich today. this is a sign from god. a good and innovative way to lose weight as well as save money. excellent. yes, today i took a bus all the way to school. coz i smartly topped up my concession,than realized i had no more money to buy anything else. no lunch, no taxi. it would be stupid to get a taxi to go home and get money, than turn back to go to school. so just braved the public transport and went on my way. im sucha cow.

funny thing life is

went to chruch today, actually,i go every sunday. am i holy or wad? but still, first time i actually understood clearly what the priest was driving at. dont know what made me 'tune-in'. he was ranting on about "if's" u know, "if i did this..." that kinda stuff. it hit home i guess. been pondering on 'ifs' all my life. oh well. made some sense to me at least.

anyhow, was supposed to like go shoping with mom today,than go watch constantine with my cousins,but the shopping trip was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. rmb kongkong? he became sick or smthg, and my mom and bro left to help him out,since chruch was enar their home. yea, in times of emergency like this,my mom never tells me anything,she always takes my brother,her trusted hand,even though he's considerably younger than i am. whatever. so im just moping around at home, awaiting my cousins,who r coming to pick me up to go watch constantine.

yea, quite glad i've finally joined the 'elder' cousins on their night out. yea! im soo immature abt this i know, but their all in their 30s!!!so u can see how young i am in comparison to them. this is the unmarried bunch,ehehe. and their older, the marrid ones are younger than them.

i know it's bad for me to go enjoy myself while my family is worried sick abt my kongkong being in hospital,but really, life goes on. it does. it doesnt mean tt i go enjoy myself,thaat i forget abt his well-being,it's jsut that, what's emant to be,is to be. fate. yea,so it's lent,and im supposed to be holier than thou,makingsacrifices and all, but truth be told, life goes on. we cant stop functioning just becoz a part of our life,or someone in our life has stopped. it's a long and arduous journey,yes i know,but coming to a halt wont solve anything.

funkaye ij & cny day #1

CHIJLL out - click to go to site for details
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isn't it cool? ok, actually, since when would one be able to go clubbing for a worthy cause? in support of your alma mater too!!! funkaye? actually, it would be quite daunting to go, coz, ahhaa, can u imagine seeing your ex-teachers there? u know what? im just imagining seeing jac yip and her current squeeze, rmb the rumoured girl from our batch? ahhaha, u all who know who, shhhh, but we all did have fun screaming abt it., right? anyhow, what abt seeing sister pat at zouk?? old big fat nun,dressed all in white, sipping martinis, or guzzling down a couple of beers. the hilarity of it all. i swear, it wld be quite a funny night, a clash of young and old. i think the younger generation wld try to tone down their dressing,as they know their teachers wld be present, whilst the teachers and really ancient ex-students wld end up getting dolled up in heir boogie gear, trying to relive their disco era.ok, im laughing a the likes of jo teo doing some retro mambo moves, swinging her arms around and all. ahhahahahaha. omg.

all this crazy thoughts is making up for my rather sombre chinese new year. only collected 3 or 4 ang paos. which means less money. much less. so little i think i can spend it all in 5 mins. ok, exaggerating, but hey! cny does last 15 days, aights? yay yay yay. im banging on getting more money. look! my own mom didnt give me an ang pao this year coz she thinks i've been bad. ahaha. kidding, i hope. well, such a weird chinese new year. food was definitely good(i live to eat, rmb?) but atmosphere so stale. we didnt go on our usual rounds to certain relatives houses. coz my mom was just in such a bad mood, grrr. nvm, tmr is another day, hope i'll at elast get twice the amount of today, than i might be able to survive. or i wanna go visiting! anyone got an open house thing going on? cmon, i promise not to eat up all your food!!! i dont like pineapple tarts, have you all breathed a sigh of relief yet? hahaa. im money-faced this cny. oh well. cant have it all.



USHER IN THE YEAR OF THE COCK!!! - dont u find this pic amusing?
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pre-cny

yeps yeps. kong kong, aka maternal grandpa, is in hosp. and their only gonna allow him out until 10 o'clock. so like cinderella, he has to go back into hosp by 10 tops. heh. no idea why he went in though. anyhow, kinda almost caused multiple mishaps today during driving. almost, i say almost banged down a family crossing the road, and than almost banged into a lorry, and almost caused a massive accident at the traffic junction. heh. okok. i want to go eat some new year goodies man. bringing my oogle doogles with me too. my darling doggy. she's been allowed to celebate new year with us too!!!yay.

not that!!!

to all of you(who know abt it) stop sniggering!!! my self-advertisement for valentine's wasnt meant for that person to have an opportunity for some of u to take advantage of the situation and *ahem*, whatever. dont u all just love my spongebob skin?hahaa. alvin copycat!!!u took the underwear one!!why didnt u take the patrick starfish skin? anyhow, im so lazy to blog nowadays. no more lenghty entries. unless im lazy to write. yea yea, keep a diary, so what? whatis super computers took over the world, all my blog entries wld be lost. but if there was a fire in my apartment, than my handwritten entries wld be lost too. ok, there are pros and cons to everything. grrr. i wanna watch constantine. ahhaha. omg, just watched 'best bet' over the weekend,ahaha. love that 4D movie. i know im sloww, but heck. okok. gonna go in search of my amb book. can u believe i lost my notes?a day before the test. damnit. i think it's in the bag which my bro took to school. shitzy. come back soon bro!!!if not im pretty screwed. oh my god, isit me, or does j.lo look quite hott in her new video?oh well, nothing to do now, so just *dance*dance*. hahaha.

always a first

there's always a first time for everything. and this time around, it's a first that i wont pass a single module's common test. in disbelief? well dont be. when i say im going to fail, i usually do. yeps. excellente. my mom allowed me to go on a eurotrip with nic and anne. oh, nothing else. wanna go driving again.i love driving lessons. i want to...i want to...i want so many unattainable things. lost for words. no mood to blog anything more. grrr.


***additonal***: i need a date for valentine's day. anyone free?just need to hire a guy for a night. hahahaa.